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I cannot remember if I ever posted this but last night I felt emotionally overwhelmed and had a strong urge to do this. Thankfully, I was able to ride the wave and not give in. Let me know what you think.
I know usually I talk about relationship issues but I wanted to get a little personal with you all. I want to touch on eating disorders and how I used to suffer from one. It is unusual at first glance to find a black girl with food issues. Or, at least that is what I told myself. Initially, I did not realize I had a problem I just followed my impulse.
It started years ago, I do not handle stress well and I would try to combat it by finding a source of relief a sense of control when I felt out of balance. I would eat to the point of combustion and then when I felt so full I would run to the bathroom and purge. I felt such a relief when I purged it seemed to take the stress away. I would do this in silence and for a while I did not think I was harming myself. I did not realize I had a dangerous food addiction. It brought me such comfort yet made me feel so disgusted with myself.
Eventually I told my mother of my ritual for I could not do it in secrecy anymore. She brought me a sense of comfort and tried to convince me to stop but I just continued to do it I just would not tell her. I did not have a name for what I was doing and it was not a problem or so I thought. I hated that disgusting feeling when I would eat excessively and then purge instantly. I would always wait till the bathroom was empty so my shameful behavior would not be exposed.
Recently, I received help for my purging. It finally had a name, it was called binge eating. I will admit when I first discovered I had a problem I was not surrounded by those who look like me and it made me feel so alone. I felt as if I was the only black girl alive doing this nonsense. Yet the woman in me knows that I am not the only one so I need to tell my story to help my love sisters combat this dangerous disease. It is like ignoring the pink elephant in the room. It will not go away and we have to tackle it before it destroys us all.
Now for me it had nothing to do with weight issues it was more of an emotional thing. Mentally, I felt out of control and food is where I thought I could bring some sense of balance back into my life. I was stuck in emotional mind and became of victim of impulse. I am thankful I sought help so this pattern does not continue past me to my daughter. I am better equipped with how to handle things if she were to pick up this same behavior. I pray the cycle begins and ends with me.
Side note: I wrote this blog some years back and never posted it. I was terrified to share it at that time. But now I know why this story needs to be told. I have suffered with binge eating for quite some time. Last night was the first time in years I felt the urge to binge eat. I cooked salmon, fried rice, and corn on the cob. I ate dinner and then all of a sudden emotion poured over me. I felt emotionally overwhelmed from day to day things. I felt out of balanced and wanted to relieve myself hence purging. My boyfriend kept asking what is wrong so I explained to him my issue we went for a drive and stopped at 7-11 I did not get anything because I did not want to give into the urge. I decided to try positive self-talk and I kept using my wise mind. It was a temporary feeling and it would pass just ride it out and I made it through. Now I am feeling that way again so I am writing it out instead of running to purge. I have an issue with control when I feel out of balance food is where I feel I can have control. As I sit hear I want to snack to the point of combustion and then purge. I am speaking out because in our community it is taboo. You don’t hear about black girls purging. I want to combat this feeling. Please if you or anyone you know suffers from an eating disorder please share your thoughts below. Thanks!